Why Taking Radical Personal Responsibility is the key to healing after Break-Up.

The red flags we see early in the relationship often predict its eventual demise.

My personal and professional experiences as a Divorce Lawyer mean I have a pretty unique perspective on dating, relationships and break ups. Since my separation two years ago, I have been on over fifty first dates. Coupled with insights gained from representing over a thousand clients through their divorces, I’ve accumulated a wealth of knowledge on the common missteps that lead to the end of a relationship.

If I was limited to just one insight that I could share with you, it would be this:

People tell us who they are from the very beginning.

We choose not to listen.

We ignore that funny feeling in our gut.

We hope against hope that our instincts are mistaken.

We keep our lingering doubts from our friends.

We fall in love with potential.

We ignore reality.

Can you relate? I assure you; you are not alone. I am famously guilty of this. I even managed to convince myself that it was perfectly fine, by my own standards, that the man I was dating still lived with his ex-wife years after they separated.

We are notorious for deceiving ourselves in the early stages, only to act shocked when it falls to pieces.

You know what? We don’t have the right to be shocked.  [Well, maybe just for 24 hours]

If we are prepared to be honest with ourselves and embrace radical personal responsibility, we will be able to see things as they truly are. The reality is, the early warning signs were always present, and we made the choice to ignore them.

So, I ask all my clients:

What attracted you to your ex in the first place?

Tell me about your first date?

There is power in these two questions.

One of my clients fondly recalls her first date, mentioning how she nearly walked away because he was two hours late. She was quite upset, but his explanation of being swamped at work and feeling stressed made her sympathise with him, even admiring his dedication to his job. Now, ten years and three children down the line, she’s decided to leave the relationship, because in her words, he isn’t showing up for her and can’t cope with the burden of responsibility.

See that?  It’s easy to pick it from the outside. But the power in those questions lies elsewhere.

You see, when we begin to reminisce about the early stages of the relationship, it helps us move away from feeling like victims and recognise that we made the choice to be with this person on our own. No one made that decision for us. Acknowledging that we played a role in either being attracted to or drawing this partner into our lives is a crucial step. By taking responsibility for the initial attraction at the very least, we can start to make meaningful progress in our healing journey.

Next week I am going to dive deeper into those early warning signs, especially for those of us that are navigating the post-divorce dating scene.