Dating Advice from a Divorce Lawyer: Reverse-engineering the Algorithm.

The red flags at the start of the relationship are usually what end the relationship.

I should know. Since I separated two years ago, I have been on over 50 first dates and kept meticulous notes. Combined with the data I have collated in my work as a Divorce Lawyer from over 1000 relationship breakdowns, I’ve got the scoop on the things to look out for and avoid from the beginning.

In the realm of early dating, the conversations can be illuminating, providing a glimpse into your date’s personality and past relationship patterns. How your date talks about their ex-partners can be particularly telling. It’s important to listen not just to what is being said, but how it is expressed, especially if they use labels such as “narcissist,” “cheater,” “crazy,” or derogatory terms like “bitch.” Here’s what these labels might signify and why they deserve your attention:

 

1. “My ex is a narcissist”

The term “narcissist” is often used colloquially to describe someone who is excessively self-centred or egoistic. Using the term narcissist has become a trend which has replaced the phrase we often used in the 90s – “they have a big ego”. However, narcissism is a clinical term used in psychology to describe a personality disorder. If your date casually labels their ex as a narcissist without context, it could be a red flag. This might indicate a lack of understanding or an inability to discuss past relationships with nuance. It’s important to consider whether your date is using this term clinically or as a shorthand for behaviour they found self-centred or disagreeable.

2. “My marriage ended because my ex cheated”

Infidelity is a serious breach of trust, and anyone who has experienced it has every right to feel hurt and betrayed. However, if your date focuses heavily on their ex’s infidelity, consider how they discuss the situation. Are they able to reflect on the relationship as a whole, or is their focus solely on the betrayal? While being cheated on is undoubtedly painful, from my experience, cheating is rarely the reason why people get divorced. Affairs often happen as a result of something broken in the relationship. If your date is unable to take personal responsibility for what they brought to the table in their break up, this is a red flag. I would also consider that if your date is unable to move past the incident, this can suggest unresolved feelings, which might affect their ability to engage fully in a new relationship.

3. “My ex is a psycho”

The label “crazy” is often used to dismiss an individual’s behaviour or feelings as irrational or unworthy of consideration. When someone describes their ex-partner in this way, it can sometimes reflect a lack of empathy or unwillingness to understand complex emotional states. This term can also be a red flag for gaslighting, where one person manipulates another to question their own sanity. Take note of whether this label is used to avoid discussing legitimate grievances the ex-partner might have had.

4. My ex is such a “bitch” / “asshole”

Respectful communication is key in any relationship, including how one speaks about past partners. Using derogatory terms to describe an ex-partner not only reflects poorly on your date’s attitude towards them but could also be indicative of how they handle anger and frustration. Pay attention to whether such terms are used out of habit or emotional intensity, as they can signify deeper issues with respect and communication.

What to Do Next

If you encounter these red flags in early dating conversations:

· Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your date to elaborate on their statements. This can provide more context and help you understand their perspective better.

· Observe Consistency: Pay attention to whether negative remarks are isolated or a recurring pattern of how they describe others.

· Consider Emotional Intelligence: Reflect on whether your date shows an ability to engage in self-reflection and acknowledge their role in past relationship challenges.

· Trust Your Instincts: If you feel uncomfortable about how someone speaks about their exes, consider what that might say about how they handle conflict and emotional baggage.

To be clear, how your date speaks about their ex might just be how they speak about you one day. People show us who they are from the very beginning. We need to listen.